My 54th Birthday - 2008 Introduction Today is my birthday – November 8th, 2008. I am 54 years old. There is a myriad of emotions running through me. How did I get to be at this point in my life? I can’t possibly be this “old” so soon. Where has the time gone? I feel lonely, sad, depressed or is it empty, useless and forgotten. No, I’m angry. Angry that what I dreamed my life would be like is nothing like what it has been. Expectations, dreams and my hopes and plans are so different from reality. My day to day life and the unexpected events that have occurred has left me unprepared, vulnerable, and stressed, but most of all I just feel so angry. My life has had joys, delights and beautiful moments. There have been tears, distress and fear. I have been excited and filled with expectancy and joy. I have also felt deep sorrow, fear, hopelessness and dread.

Yet, I am blessed . . . Yet, I’m blessed. . . I was given a variety of talents and abilities. I am intelligent, gifted, a visionary and discerning of the people and environment around me. I am creative, artistic, musical and analytical. I am loving, strong and assertive. I want to learn, grow and experience new things. I had parents who were godly people and taught me God’s Word. They were faithful to their Lord and each other. I have two wonderful sisters and two brothers-in-law who have loved me, cared for me and been an example to me. I married a man who has loved me in his way. Who took care of me through unexpected illness and accepted me for who I was. The exact opposite to me in all ways including spiritual gifts. The man who keeps me from getting lost. I had the privilege of giving birth to a beautiful, baby boy and watched him grow and develop. He is now a handsome, gifted, young man of 17. I have had special friends along the way to help, inspire and give me hope. Oh, yeah and set me straight, put me in my place and let me know in no uncertain terms when I messed up – yet were my friends. Yesterday, my friend told me that I should share with other women my experiences. That maybe they would help other women. So, today I am beginning that new adventure. I am going to write about my experiences and the emotions and turmoil that I have had going through them.

I am going to share . . . Being born to parents who were older when the world was changing so drastically through the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s . . . Being a woman in a changing world who didn’t know whether to be the “let me do it”, assertive, take charge, manager, visionary female that my generation told me I should be, had the “right to be” and that I really am or the woman that my parents thought I should be submissive, a wife, a mother, in the background, a teacher or maybe a secretary. Being single until I was 35 and experiencing the “why aren’t you married” or “you should be a wife and mother” – the misfit in church and society. Struggles with establishing myself in a man’s dominated world as a career woman. Gifted by God to be a leader and told by the church that I could not have any leadership role. Fear of losing my identity if I did get married, yet, suddenly feeling so alone and wanting to have a man to love me. Changes that happen when you get married and have a child. Loss of jobs, betrayal in the work place – lies, envy, fear . . . Betrayal, pornography and not being the object of your husband’s love and sexual intimacy. Illness, fear of the future, not knowing what is happening to you. Being pretty, skinny, having a good figure to the changes in my body to fat (no fluffy) and aging. My child, who turns to drugs, looses his self-respect and has no respect for anyone around him. Facing a crossroads – time to do what I was gifted to do or just what gets me by. So today, I begin writing my story. Ladies, girls or men, as you read this it is my hope that someone will be helped, encouraged, given courage or just have some laughter about have life “happens”. Teresa